I’ve had to a lot of growing over the last couple of months. I’ve been really busy and haven’t had a chance to write, but I thought I’d take the time tonight since we’re in the middle of a blizzard.
My wife has steadily gotten more and more angry. I haven’t done anything to facilitate this, but to hear her tell it, I’m responsible for all of the ills in her life. Recently, she had an argument with her best friend because she called me her husband. Now I AM still her husband so it wasn’t so odd that her friend should call me her husband. However, my wife exploded on her friend and her friend wasn’t having it. My wife is convinced that I had something to do with this. Why? Well, coincidentally I had sent an email to my wife saying that we should ignore the naysayers and work on getting back together. Apparently the day before I sent this, my wife’s best friend sent an email to my mother-in-law telling her about the fight and saying that my wife needs counseling. I, of course, did not know this, but my wife is convinced that I orchestrated the entire argument to “get” her. I’m at a loss at this point. Even when I’m minding my own business, she still finds a way to make things my fault so she can stay mad at me.
I’ve had to do a total mind shift. I’m spending too much time defending my character and I shouldn’t have to do that. I am and always will be a good person. And I have to remember that. She’s gonna say whatever she wants to about me, but that shouldn’t affect me. In high school, there were a lot of parents who claimed that I was a drug dealer. Now, I knew that I wasn’t because I was actually worse than Nancy Reagan when it came to drugs. (I’ve since then relaxed my stance on drugs. Well, at least on marijuana.) It really bothered me that people thought that I would deal drugs. I was so worried about what these people thought. Now, these people didn’t really know me, so the fact that they thought I was a drug dealer didn’t come from any type of first-hand knowledge. I guess they had heard a rumor. I let this really get to me until one day the light came on. I realized that nothing I’m going to say is going to change these people’s opinion of me. So there was no sense in trying to defend myself. It was just going to fall on deaf ears. So I had to come to terms with the fact that I knew it wasn’t true and God knew it wasn’t true. And that was all I really needed. It finally gave me peace of mind.
This is what I’ve had to do with my wife. There are no magical words that are going to make her suddenly stop saying things about me. I just have to be confident in the fact that I know what she’s saying isn’t true and God knows it isn’t true. And I finally can have some peace now. As a result, when she says caustic things about me, I respond with nothing but love. Recently she called me a dirty bitch and I responded by saying that I love her and she’s an amazing woman. And each and every time she says something nasty to me, I’m only going to respond with love.
I love her with all of my heart and I always will. And I pray that one day she will see how much I love her because I know in my heart that God will fix this entire mess.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Very End
Well, my wife seems to have gotten to a point of no return and she is taking my son with her. I had surgery on November 19 and my wife picked me up and took me to the hospital and stayed there with me until midnight and came back the next day and picked me up. I tried one last effort to get her to fight for our marriage and she refused. She kept saying “We’re done.” Maybe the drugs kept me from addressing the “we’re” but she relayed to me an incident that had happened earlier that week. I went to my father’s club meeting and the guest speaker there was the wrestling coach. My son had told me that he was wrestling now and that he was really tired after school because of wrestling practice. I told him to let me know when he has meets because I’d like to go. So when I had the opportunity to talk to the coach and ask how my son was doing, I did. I had made a commitment to stay plugged in and do things differently with my son. I had checked out before and it caused all kinds of problems. So I vowed that I would not do that anymore even though I am out of the house. So I asked the coach if he was ____________’s coach. He told me that he hadn’t been coming to practice and that he had a feeling that he as telling mom and dad that he was going to practice. Then he asked me if I was related to him. And I told him that I was his stepfather. So after the meeting, I called my wife to discuss what our son was doing after school and I said to her, “Unless you know something that I don’t know, we have to talk about what our son is doing after school.” She explained to me that he couldn’t go to wrestling until he got a physical and he’s been still working out, but not the wrestling team. So she knew about it. I said that was a relief and that was that. Well, the coach said something to my son and accused him of lying to us. This of course pissed my son off because he thought I had suggested to the coach that he was lying. My wife was telling me this like I had done something wrong by asking about my son. That was her attitude. Like I had no right to be asking any of his teachers or coaches anything about him. But I kept trying to make my wife see that we still have a lot of love to share and we have a life to live. Unfortunately, I also talked about the past and about her part of the responsibility in the mess that we’re in. I should have realized that she’s too far in denial for me to be able to reason her and so I’ve made a vow not to bring it up again.
Now fast forward to this morning. I called my son as I always do every morning to tell him to have a good day. I asked him if he had a wrestling meet today and he said no. Then I asked him if he had one next Friday and he said he didn’t know. I said, “I think you do because I looked at the schedule.” Then I told him to be safe and have a good day. Next thing I know, I’m getting a nasty email from my wife bitching me out for questioning whether or not my son knew if he had a wrestling match. She told me that if he doesn’t know then he doesn’t know. She thought I was saying I think you do know rather than I think you do have a meet. I don’t know if he thought it or if she thought it, but she told me that I was not welcome at the meets and that “neither one of us wants you there.” I was extremely hurt by this, but I have vowed to not let her take me to an angry place. It was really hard, but I maintained self-control and did not get angry. She even called me up and screamed at me to not talk to any of her friends. I again maintained self-control and simply told her that she cannot dictate who I can and cannot talk to. I’m sure she didn’t hear me because she was still screaming, so I called her after she hung up on me and left that message on her voice mail.
I was very proud of myself for not letting her take me to an angry place. I know she’s going to continue to try because she does love to push my buttons, but I have to learn not to react to that. Today was the first step and I think I’m going to be OK…
Now fast forward to this morning. I called my son as I always do every morning to tell him to have a good day. I asked him if he had a wrestling meet today and he said no. Then I asked him if he had one next Friday and he said he didn’t know. I said, “I think you do because I looked at the schedule.” Then I told him to be safe and have a good day. Next thing I know, I’m getting a nasty email from my wife bitching me out for questioning whether or not my son knew if he had a wrestling match. She told me that if he doesn’t know then he doesn’t know. She thought I was saying I think you do know rather than I think you do have a meet. I don’t know if he thought it or if she thought it, but she told me that I was not welcome at the meets and that “neither one of us wants you there.” I was extremely hurt by this, but I have vowed to not let her take me to an angry place. It was really hard, but I maintained self-control and did not get angry. She even called me up and screamed at me to not talk to any of her friends. I again maintained self-control and simply told her that she cannot dictate who I can and cannot talk to. I’m sure she didn’t hear me because she was still screaming, so I called her after she hung up on me and left that message on her voice mail.
I was very proud of myself for not letting her take me to an angry place. I know she’s going to continue to try because she does love to push my buttons, but I have to learn not to react to that. Today was the first step and I think I’m going to be OK…
Monday, October 11, 2010
It's Hard To Be The Bigger Person
My entire perspective is changing through this entire process. I never had a father growing up so I’ve always had a very jaded view of men. I’ve never trusted them. And I’ve always thought that if a woman was mad at a man for something, it was the man’s fault. I’ve never understood why a man would walk away from his child in a divorce or otherwise. It’s never made sense to me why a man wouldn’t pay child support to his wife either. Until now. I voluntarily pay child support to my wife. I’ve been very cooperative throughout this entire separation. I’ve agreed to leave the electricity in my name so that she didn’t have to pay $500 to get it in her name. I turned the cable back on and left it in my name so she could have cable tv. And I still pay her phone bill. I do these things not because I owe her or because I’m trying to get something back from her, but because I love her. She is my wife and I love her very much. As thanks, I am threatened with having the police called on me, she won’t talk to me except via email or text messaging. And she refuses to stop being hostile towards me so that our son doesn’t feel conflicted about spending time with me. She has also made it clear that even though she won’t stand in the way of my son and I having a relationship, she won’t assist me in maintaining the relationship. Nice.
For very brief moments, I entertain the notion of just walking away from the both of them. My relationship with my son is strained admittedly because of me, but I’m trying to rebuild it. And instead of recognizing the effort and supporting it, she would rather piss on it. Now I’m trying to get a house so that when we get back together, we have a nice place to live that will hopefully produce some income. We’re going to need it when our son goes off to college. I’m going through a program that will help me get the property with no money down, no closing costs, no points, no, PMI and a 3.75% interest rate. However, since we are married she has to come to that first meeting with all of her financial information and she refuses to do it which means that I can’t go through the program. Unbelieveable!
I can totally understand how a man could get so fed up with having to deal with his ex-wife that he would stop paying child support or stop seeing his child. It’s ALMOST too much trouble. But the child is the most important part of this equation and when one party isn’t willing to make it easier for their child, you have to wonder if it’s worth it to try and work things out. And it’s very hard to remember that the money you’re paying is for your child and not for her. It just feels like it’s helping her out though and I know that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn’t do the same thing for me. So it’s really hard for me to be the bigger person here and continue to help pay child support voluntarily. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very hard. And I struggle with myself every day.
For very brief moments, I entertain the notion of just walking away from the both of them. My relationship with my son is strained admittedly because of me, but I’m trying to rebuild it. And instead of recognizing the effort and supporting it, she would rather piss on it. Now I’m trying to get a house so that when we get back together, we have a nice place to live that will hopefully produce some income. We’re going to need it when our son goes off to college. I’m going through a program that will help me get the property with no money down, no closing costs, no points, no, PMI and a 3.75% interest rate. However, since we are married she has to come to that first meeting with all of her financial information and she refuses to do it which means that I can’t go through the program. Unbelieveable!
I can totally understand how a man could get so fed up with having to deal with his ex-wife that he would stop paying child support or stop seeing his child. It’s ALMOST too much trouble. But the child is the most important part of this equation and when one party isn’t willing to make it easier for their child, you have to wonder if it’s worth it to try and work things out. And it’s very hard to remember that the money you’re paying is for your child and not for her. It just feels like it’s helping her out though and I know that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn’t do the same thing for me. So it’s really hard for me to be the bigger person here and continue to help pay child support voluntarily. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very hard. And I struggle with myself every day.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Frustration and Anger
For the longest time, I have been dancing around the issues. I’ve been very careful not to bring up the issue of my wife’s contribution to our marriage breaking up. I’ve essentially been walking on egg shells. A few weeks ago, I went to my mother-in-law’s house and was met with much hostility. I didn’t understand why this was happening because we had been getting along very well since the breakup. I asked her about it and she told me that she heard some very disturbing things about me. I asked her what they were and then decided that I didn’t want to hear the answer because it would only serve to create more hostility between my wife and me. She criticized my job that I had during the recession. My mother-in-law told me that she didn’t think that my job as a pizza delivery guy was the best job to have. I agreed, but then I asked her what she would have me to do. I couldn’t find another job at the time and that was the only job I could get. I also reminded her that that job paid all the bills in the house. It seems as though my wife might have neglected to tell my mother-in-law this point. I also told her that I had the bank statements to prove it in case she didn’t believe me. I simply said to her that I was tired of the responsibility being solely upon me, and my wife acting like she’s a victim. It is not and never will be entirely my fault that our marriage has broken up. I’ve been afraid (I guess this is the word I should use) of making my wife take responsibility for her actions. I’ve listened to people say that I did this and I did that without ever talking about what my wife did in the marriage. And now I’m frustrated because after all of these months (4) she is still not taking responsibility for her actions. My frustration grows into anger every time someone tells me what I did and doesn’t speak about what she did.
I would never make excuses for my behavior, but to me it seems kind of funny that all of a sudden I have an anger issue. It just reared it’s head all of a sudden 4 years into the marriage? That seems kind of strange. I wasn’t this angry before. Surely there must have been some extenuating circumstances that has caused me to be this angry. Unfortunately, we’re not talking about them. I don’t say that to excuse or justify my behavior. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I wasn’t in this relationship alone. It really frustrates me because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge and if she never acknowledges her part, we will be doomed to repeat it.
She tells me that she doesn’t trust me, but I believe that she really doesn’t trust herself to NOT talk to me like I’m a dog. And I think she’s afraid that it will happen again should she fall into that same pattern. I think she’s afraid to try and change because it’s going to be hard, but nothing in life worth having is easy. I’m really trying to stay above the anger and hostility. Really once I had accepted my responsibility, a lot of the anger towards my wife went away. It made it easier to interact with her. But when she continues to look at me like I’m to blame (I can see it in her eyes), it frustrates me. At this point, I’m not sure we’ll ever get back together.
I would never make excuses for my behavior, but to me it seems kind of funny that all of a sudden I have an anger issue. It just reared it’s head all of a sudden 4 years into the marriage? That seems kind of strange. I wasn’t this angry before. Surely there must have been some extenuating circumstances that has caused me to be this angry. Unfortunately, we’re not talking about them. I don’t say that to excuse or justify my behavior. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I wasn’t in this relationship alone. It really frustrates me because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge and if she never acknowledges her part, we will be doomed to repeat it.
She tells me that she doesn’t trust me, but I believe that she really doesn’t trust herself to NOT talk to me like I’m a dog. And I think she’s afraid that it will happen again should she fall into that same pattern. I think she’s afraid to try and change because it’s going to be hard, but nothing in life worth having is easy. I’m really trying to stay above the anger and hostility. Really once I had accepted my responsibility, a lot of the anger towards my wife went away. It made it easier to interact with her. But when she continues to look at me like I’m to blame (I can see it in her eyes), it frustrates me. At this point, I’m not sure we’ll ever get back together.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
How I Failed My Son
When I was growing up, I didn’t have a father around. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I wasn’t taught the stereotypical things that a man teaches his son. I also missed having a father figure around. So when I became a step-father, I wanted to make sure that I was around. I knew that my son was scared about my leaving and so resisted bonding with me. As a result, I shied away. I wasn’t strong enough to keep trying. So I resigned myself to the notion that as long as I was there that was good enough. It wasn’t. I thought that as long as I was there in the house, paying bills, doing things at his school, and basically just being a presence there that that was enough. I figured that at least he can see me every day. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t active in the parenting. I was afraid. I was afraid of messing this kid up. I hated to be left alone with him because I used to imagine what would happen between me and my wife should something bad happen on my watch. This isn’t my kid. It’s OK if you mess up with your own kid, but I was so afraid that my wife wouldn’t believe that it was an accident or that I tried everything I could. So I checked out; of my son’s life and of my marriage. I robbed my son of a dad. And I robbed myself of a chance to really get to know this kid. He is a wonderful son and I’m very proud of him. I am trying very hard to bond with him, but it is so hard now that I am out of the house. I’m angry at myself, but I have to forgive myself. I made a mistake and I am paying for it, but it’s not too late.
It’s hard to be a step parent, but it’s not impossible. I kept blaming my wife and my son instead of blaming me for the state of our relationship. I was drowning in my own self pity and I couldn’t see my way out. It’s such a bad place to be. I was vulnerable and all I could do was blame the people around me. It was my fault. I am responsible for my own world. If I don’t like something, I have to change it. I was waiting for them to change. Wow! This is hard to admit and hard to say. You can’t wait for other people to change. You have to be the one to change if you don’t like what’s going on. I should have changed my response and I should have been strong enough to hang in there. This was too important. This was my family. I abandoned them. Not completely, but definitely in a way I left them. And this is why my wife felt like she had a roommate and not a husband. She used to say this to me, but she said this in relationship to money. So all I can hear is that I’m not providing for her the way she wants to be provided for. I’m not paying all the bills in the house. She shouldn’t have to pay ½ the mortgage. A real man would pay the entire mortgage. This is what I heard and I couldn’t read between the lines at what she was really trying to say. I spent so much time defending myself that I couldn’t hear her.
I am so sorry about checking out of my marriage and parenting. I hope I get the opportunity to show them both that they weren’t wrong for loving me. I failed my son and by doing that failed my wife and I hope that I can make it up to them.
It’s hard to be a step parent, but it’s not impossible. I kept blaming my wife and my son instead of blaming me for the state of our relationship. I was drowning in my own self pity and I couldn’t see my way out. It’s such a bad place to be. I was vulnerable and all I could do was blame the people around me. It was my fault. I am responsible for my own world. If I don’t like something, I have to change it. I was waiting for them to change. Wow! This is hard to admit and hard to say. You can’t wait for other people to change. You have to be the one to change if you don’t like what’s going on. I should have changed my response and I should have been strong enough to hang in there. This was too important. This was my family. I abandoned them. Not completely, but definitely in a way I left them. And this is why my wife felt like she had a roommate and not a husband. She used to say this to me, but she said this in relationship to money. So all I can hear is that I’m not providing for her the way she wants to be provided for. I’m not paying all the bills in the house. She shouldn’t have to pay ½ the mortgage. A real man would pay the entire mortgage. This is what I heard and I couldn’t read between the lines at what she was really trying to say. I spent so much time defending myself that I couldn’t hear her.
I am so sorry about checking out of my marriage and parenting. I hope I get the opportunity to show them both that they weren’t wrong for loving me. I failed my son and by doing that failed my wife and I hope that I can make it up to them.
Monday, August 16, 2010
No More Control
For some reason, the fact that I am nice to my wife infuriates her. She is really angry with me because I apologized to my sister-in-law for allowing how Eula feels about her to affect the way I feel about her without giving her a chance. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time, but I was afraid of what my wife would say so I never told her. The timing of my apology was really bad, but I knew that it would make her stop talking to me all together and that’s what I needed to happen. I just couldn’t take the hot and cold during this separation. I just wanted to start working towards being together again, but somehow I don’t think that was ever going to happen. I didn’t have the guts to call it off, but I knew that she would if I could do something that she would view as the ultimate betrayal.
About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.
I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.
About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.
I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
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