No More Control

For some reason, the fact that I am nice to my wife infuriates her. She is really angry with me because I apologized to my sister-in-law for allowing how Eula feels about her to affect the way I feel about her without giving her a chance. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time, but I was afraid of what my wife would say so I never told her. The timing of my apology was really bad, but I knew that it would make her stop talking to me all together and that’s what I needed to happen. I just couldn’t take the hot and cold during this separation. I just wanted to start working towards being together again, but somehow I don’t think that was ever going to happen. I didn’t have the guts to call it off, but I knew that she would if I could do something that she would view as the ultimate betrayal.

About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.

I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.