How I Failed My Son

When I was growing up, I didn’t have a father around. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I wasn’t taught the stereotypical things that a man teaches his son. I also missed having a father figure around. So when I became a step-father, I wanted to make sure that I was around. I knew that my son was scared about my leaving and so resisted bonding with me. As a result, I shied away. I wasn’t strong enough to keep trying. So I resigned myself to the notion that as long as I was there that was good enough. It wasn’t. I thought that as long as I was there in the house, paying bills, doing things at his school, and basically just being a presence there that that was enough. I figured that at least he can see me every day. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t active in the parenting. I was afraid. I was afraid of messing this kid up. I hated to be left alone with him because I used to imagine what would happen between me and my wife should something bad happen on my watch. This isn’t my kid. It’s OK if you mess up with your own kid, but I was so afraid that my wife wouldn’t believe that it was an accident or that I tried everything I could. So I checked out; of my son’s life and of my marriage. I robbed my son of a dad. And I robbed myself of a chance to really get to know this kid. He is a wonderful son and I’m very proud of him. I am trying very hard to bond with him, but it is so hard now that I am out of the house. I’m angry at myself, but I have to forgive myself. I made a mistake and I am paying for it, but it’s not too late.

It’s hard to be a step parent, but it’s not impossible. I kept blaming my wife and my son instead of blaming me for the state of our relationship. I was drowning in my own self pity and I couldn’t see my way out. It’s such a bad place to be. I was vulnerable and all I could do was blame the people around me. It was my fault. I am responsible for my own world. If I don’t like something, I have to change it. I was waiting for them to change. Wow! This is hard to admit and hard to say. You can’t wait for other people to change. You have to be the one to change if you don’t like what’s going on. I should have changed my response and I should have been strong enough to hang in there. This was too important. This was my family. I abandoned them. Not completely, but definitely in a way I left them. And this is why my wife felt like she had a roommate and not a husband. She used to say this to me, but she said this in relationship to money. So all I can hear is that I’m not providing for her the way she wants to be provided for. I’m not paying all the bills in the house. She shouldn’t have to pay ½ the mortgage. A real man would pay the entire mortgage. This is what I heard and I couldn’t read between the lines at what she was really trying to say. I spent so much time defending myself that I couldn’t hear her.

I am so sorry about checking out of my marriage and parenting. I hope I get the opportunity to show them both that they weren’t wrong for loving me. I failed my son and by doing that failed my wife and I hope that I can make it up to them.