When I was growing up, I didn’t have a father around. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I wasn’t taught the stereotypical things that a man teaches his son. I also missed having a father figure around. So when I became a step-father, I wanted to make sure that I was around. I knew that my son was scared about my leaving and so resisted bonding with me. As a result, I shied away. I wasn’t strong enough to keep trying. So I resigned myself to the notion that as long as I was there that was good enough. It wasn’t. I thought that as long as I was there in the house, paying bills, doing things at his school, and basically just being a presence there that that was enough. I figured that at least he can see me every day. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t active in the parenting. I was afraid. I was afraid of messing this kid up. I hated to be left alone with him because I used to imagine what would happen between me and my wife should something bad happen on my watch. This isn’t my kid. It’s OK if you mess up with your own kid, but I was so afraid that my wife wouldn’t believe that it was an accident or that I tried everything I could. So I checked out; of my son’s life and of my marriage. I robbed my son of a dad. And I robbed myself of a chance to really get to know this kid. He is a wonderful son and I’m very proud of him. I am trying very hard to bond with him, but it is so hard now that I am out of the house. I’m angry at myself, but I have to forgive myself. I made a mistake and I am paying for it, but it’s not too late.
It’s hard to be a step parent, but it’s not impossible. I kept blaming my wife and my son instead of blaming me for the state of our relationship. I was drowning in my own self pity and I couldn’t see my way out. It’s such a bad place to be. I was vulnerable and all I could do was blame the people around me. It was my fault. I am responsible for my own world. If I don’t like something, I have to change it. I was waiting for them to change. Wow! This is hard to admit and hard to say. You can’t wait for other people to change. You have to be the one to change if you don’t like what’s going on. I should have changed my response and I should have been strong enough to hang in there. This was too important. This was my family. I abandoned them. Not completely, but definitely in a way I left them. And this is why my wife felt like she had a roommate and not a husband. She used to say this to me, but she said this in relationship to money. So all I can hear is that I’m not providing for her the way she wants to be provided for. I’m not paying all the bills in the house. She shouldn’t have to pay ½ the mortgage. A real man would pay the entire mortgage. This is what I heard and I couldn’t read between the lines at what she was really trying to say. I spent so much time defending myself that I couldn’t hear her.
I am so sorry about checking out of my marriage and parenting. I hope I get the opportunity to show them both that they weren’t wrong for loving me. I failed my son and by doing that failed my wife and I hope that I can make it up to them.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
No More Control
For some reason, the fact that I am nice to my wife infuriates her. She is really angry with me because I apologized to my sister-in-law for allowing how Eula feels about her to affect the way I feel about her without giving her a chance. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time, but I was afraid of what my wife would say so I never told her. The timing of my apology was really bad, but I knew that it would make her stop talking to me all together and that’s what I needed to happen. I just couldn’t take the hot and cold during this separation. I just wanted to start working towards being together again, but somehow I don’t think that was ever going to happen. I didn’t have the guts to call it off, but I knew that she would if I could do something that she would view as the ultimate betrayal.
About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.
I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.
About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.
I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Why Must Things Be This Difficult?
I have made a decision. I have to focus exclusively on myself and making myself better while also making sure that I maintain my relationship with my son. My wife is just being too difficult and unreasonable because she can.
This past Sunday, I ran the Rock and Roll Chicago ½ Marathon. It was an amazing feat and one that I will never have to repeat. It’s something that I can check off of my bucket list. I will NEVER run a marathon!! Not that I couldn’t do it, but I just think the idea of doing twice what I did on Sunday is crazy. The ½ marathon was something that I wanted to accomplish for me.
My wife and son met me at the finish line which was really nice. We went out for lunch afterwards and had a really nice family day together. But unfortunately what typically happens after we have a nice day like that together, my wife will become distant and uncooperative. I can’t remember if I told you in a previous post, but my wife told me that she was wanted to try and work things out and work towards getting back together. My prayers had been answered…or so I thought. Every time I try and be friends with her, ie. talk like we always have about entertainment, soaps, the news, etc, she talks to me, but it’s very different than it used to be. It’s somewhat cold and distant. Not every time, but usually after we’ve seen each other and had a good time, that’s when she gets distant. At least she’s laughing with me again. It was a long time coming before I could make her laugh like I used to. It seems as though every time I try and keep our friendship alive, she starts being very defensive. Where is it written that there has to be animosity because we’re separated? This last incident has led me to believe that my wife is more immature than I originally thought. She sent me an email about one of our animal babies having a baby. I said I wanted to come see it. She ignored that request. I sent her another request to come see it and she ignored that one as well. I called her about something else and decided to speak the things that don’t get said. I asked her if she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I didn’t need to come over; she would send a picture. I asked why she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I was using it as an excuse. I asked, “An excuse for what?” She said that I couldn’t just come over anytime I wanted. I agreed and said that that was why I was asking. She said that if we made plans that I could come over. So I said, ‘OK, let’s make plans.” She said no. I asked why and she said something about not knowing her schedule or something and I asked her why she even needed to be there. The exchange went on for a few more seconds and then she threatened to take out another order of protection on me or perhaps a restraining order. She said, “Do you want to go through that again?” I started to say something else and she hung up. I’m stunned and baffled as to why she is behaving like this. I’m really pissed because she has the law on her side even though I’m not doing anything harassing or threatening. I’m not understanding why she has to be so unreasonable all the time.
In any case, I have to stop wondering. I can’t drive myself crazy wondering why she has to be so immature all the time. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this. It makes it very difficult to try and maintain a friendly relationship with her as well as continue to see my son. I don’t want her interfering with me and my son’s relationship, but she knows that she could if she wanted to. Just like she knows that she can get a court order to keep me away if she tells them that I threatened her or that I’m harassing her. It’s just not fair, but I pray to God that she gets some help soon.
This past Sunday, I ran the Rock and Roll Chicago ½ Marathon. It was an amazing feat and one that I will never have to repeat. It’s something that I can check off of my bucket list. I will NEVER run a marathon!! Not that I couldn’t do it, but I just think the idea of doing twice what I did on Sunday is crazy. The ½ marathon was something that I wanted to accomplish for me.
My wife and son met me at the finish line which was really nice. We went out for lunch afterwards and had a really nice family day together. But unfortunately what typically happens after we have a nice day like that together, my wife will become distant and uncooperative. I can’t remember if I told you in a previous post, but my wife told me that she was wanted to try and work things out and work towards getting back together. My prayers had been answered…or so I thought. Every time I try and be friends with her, ie. talk like we always have about entertainment, soaps, the news, etc, she talks to me, but it’s very different than it used to be. It’s somewhat cold and distant. Not every time, but usually after we’ve seen each other and had a good time, that’s when she gets distant. At least she’s laughing with me again. It was a long time coming before I could make her laugh like I used to. It seems as though every time I try and keep our friendship alive, she starts being very defensive. Where is it written that there has to be animosity because we’re separated? This last incident has led me to believe that my wife is more immature than I originally thought. She sent me an email about one of our animal babies having a baby. I said I wanted to come see it. She ignored that request. I sent her another request to come see it and she ignored that one as well. I called her about something else and decided to speak the things that don’t get said. I asked her if she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I didn’t need to come over; she would send a picture. I asked why she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I was using it as an excuse. I asked, “An excuse for what?” She said that I couldn’t just come over anytime I wanted. I agreed and said that that was why I was asking. She said that if we made plans that I could come over. So I said, ‘OK, let’s make plans.” She said no. I asked why and she said something about not knowing her schedule or something and I asked her why she even needed to be there. The exchange went on for a few more seconds and then she threatened to take out another order of protection on me or perhaps a restraining order. She said, “Do you want to go through that again?” I started to say something else and she hung up. I’m stunned and baffled as to why she is behaving like this. I’m really pissed because she has the law on her side even though I’m not doing anything harassing or threatening. I’m not understanding why she has to be so unreasonable all the time.
In any case, I have to stop wondering. I can’t drive myself crazy wondering why she has to be so immature all the time. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this. It makes it very difficult to try and maintain a friendly relationship with her as well as continue to see my son. I don’t want her interfering with me and my son’s relationship, but she knows that she could if she wanted to. Just like she knows that she can get a court order to keep me away if she tells them that I threatened her or that I’m harassing her. It’s just not fair, but I pray to God that she gets some help soon.
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