Neither my wife nor I had families that were in tact. It would be nice to be able to break the cycle. When I took my vows, I took them very seriously. I knew that there might be times when we would face the “worse” and that I would always have my wife’s back in those cases. I knew that there would be times when we would be “poorer” and that I would do the best that I could to make sure that our family was together and appreciated each other and the blessings that we have. I knew that there would be times when we would have sickness and that’s why it didn’t bother me to spend the night on a hospital cot the night after my wife’s surgery. It wasn’t anything life threatening, but it didn’t matter. That was my life partner and I needed to be there for her to help her take her medication and make sure she was comfortable and that’s what I did. I knew that there were other women in the world, but I didn’t even bother looking at them because I knew that the woman I was with was the best woman that I knew. What would be the point? Everyone else would pale in comparison. No matter what my wife said to me, I remained completely 1000% devoted to her. I wasn’t a perfect husband. I can see now where I was lacking, but for most of the important things, I was a good husband. I’m not sure my wife appreciates that. I worked hard to be good and decent towards her and it doesn’t seem to have mattered. All she is able to see is my mistakes. And now, I am working very hard in order to put our family together. She doesn’t seem to really care. From my perspective, she doesn’t seem to be meeting me half way. I’m trying to keep our love alive and not let it die and she seems determined to watch it fade away. Some days we’re good friends again and then the next day she’ll be distant and cold. I don’t know if she is playing me or if she is confused. There’s no point in asking her because I don’t think that she would be honest with me about how she feels. And any inquiry would probably be met with anger anyway. I think that may be her way of keeping me from digging in deep and trying to touch her emotionally. She seems to be really afraid of that and usually that’s when she attacks. It’s hard to have a really honest heart to heart talk with my wife because she spends a lot of time protecting herself from hurt. I’m not even sure that I know what her deepest desires are. I don’t even know if she knows. She may not have allowed herself to acknowledge that she has deep desires. Or maybe she has become convinced that they’re not achievable anymore. Whatever the case, I want to be able to talk about these things with my wife.
I’m learning to follow my desires. Through some workshops at The Wright Institute, I am learning to make a One Decision and use that to guide me to success. My desire is to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my wife where we are able to talk about tough stuff and challenge each other to grow and succeed. My desire is to help people to feel better about themselves. I want people to know what potential is inside them. And that they shouldn’t let fear stop them pursuing their dreams; to trust in whatever power they believe in to guide them and help them to be a success. I really want to make a difference in people’s lives.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
This is all an adventure!
Being away from my family is both a curse and a blessing. It’s a curse because I miss them terribly. I don’t get to look at their faces every morning. I don’t get to wake up next to my wife every morning or lay next to her every night. On the other hand, it’s a joy that I’m not sure I was able to appreciate until now. It’s a blessing because I am able to see things much more clearly being away from them. I am also able to cherish the time I get to spend with them more. Every moment is precious and I don’t spend that time looking for things to criticize, but just enjoying our time together. It’s how we really should spend time with people in general, but especially family. I am also blessed with such insight into me and my family. Being away from them, I notice things about them that I’m not sure I noticed while I was living with them. I can see how the way I was interacting with them before was not the best that I could be and affected the way they interacted with me. I’m beginning to see them in a different light. I understand them a lot better maybe because I have to pay attention. There’s no time to blow them off or engage in “less than” interactions. I must be fully present and engaged. I don’t have 24/7 with them right now.
All of this is scary and it might even be scary to them. My son seems to be more open to it than my wife. I know that whenever I tend to really SEE my wife, she gets a little defensive. I want to be able to have honest, deep and meaningful interactions with her. I’m beginning to have more of that with my son and it’s scary and exhilarating and fulfilling. I’m engaging with him in a way that I was afraid to before. I’m connecting with him in a way that I never had before. I’m still scared, but I’m trying to appreciate the adventure in this. In fact, I’m looking at this whole process as an adventure. I’ve had to rearrange my entire life. And it’s an adventure. I’m in a new neighborhood, a new house, I see new people on the way to work and I’m trying to open myself up more to the world to take in all of this newness. I’m trying to connect and engage with strangers more. It’s very scary. Sometimes I get rejected, but it’s all part of the adventure. I’m trying to get back to living like a kid. I really shouldn’t care what people think just as long as I’m having fun. I know that I stopped having fun in my home. Everything was a drag. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. If I had been able to see that everything that was going on was part of the adventure of life, I might have reacted much differently to what was happening. If I had had that sense of play, I probably would have found a way to make my wife’s harsh words a game. She was trying to tell me something that she wanted, but couldn’t articulate it in a healthy, responsible way. How many times have we done this in our lives? Many! Understanding this, I could have played “What Is My Wife REALLY Trying To Say?” And engaged with her in a different way which might have led her to be able to state what she needed from me.
All of this is of course speculation, but I am open to experimenting with these ideas because it’s all part of the adventure!
All of this is scary and it might even be scary to them. My son seems to be more open to it than my wife. I know that whenever I tend to really SEE my wife, she gets a little defensive. I want to be able to have honest, deep and meaningful interactions with her. I’m beginning to have more of that with my son and it’s scary and exhilarating and fulfilling. I’m engaging with him in a way that I was afraid to before. I’m connecting with him in a way that I never had before. I’m still scared, but I’m trying to appreciate the adventure in this. In fact, I’m looking at this whole process as an adventure. I’ve had to rearrange my entire life. And it’s an adventure. I’m in a new neighborhood, a new house, I see new people on the way to work and I’m trying to open myself up more to the world to take in all of this newness. I’m trying to connect and engage with strangers more. It’s very scary. Sometimes I get rejected, but it’s all part of the adventure. I’m trying to get back to living like a kid. I really shouldn’t care what people think just as long as I’m having fun. I know that I stopped having fun in my home. Everything was a drag. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. If I had been able to see that everything that was going on was part of the adventure of life, I might have reacted much differently to what was happening. If I had had that sense of play, I probably would have found a way to make my wife’s harsh words a game. She was trying to tell me something that she wanted, but couldn’t articulate it in a healthy, responsible way. How many times have we done this in our lives? Many! Understanding this, I could have played “What Is My Wife REALLY Trying To Say?” And engaged with her in a different way which might have led her to be able to state what she needed from me.
All of this is of course speculation, but I am open to experimenting with these ideas because it’s all part of the adventure!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Anger and Hurt
After being away from my wife for a couple of months, there are a lot of things I see more clearly. It’s crazy to me to not have been able to see these things while we were together. It’s so clear to me now. One of the things I am aware of is that there were a lot of things unsaid in our marriage. Needs weren’t asked for and hurts weren’t expressed. And these are things that can destroy a marriage from within. There were things that I should have said to my wife that I didn’t and there were things that my wife wanted, but didn’t ask for. Resentment built up until it finally exploded all over the place. I had a choice to say what I needed to say, but I let my wife’s inability to speak her truths, keep me from speaking mine. I was fearful and I withdrew. I stopped being my true self in the marriage. I hid away. I let things slide that I should never have let slide.
I know that I want a much deeper relationship with my wife and son. I want to be able to be myself with them. I want to speak the truth to both of them always and be present in each and every moment that we’re together. The only way to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone is to be honest with them. That may mean that you have to hurt their feelings. You may need to say things that they don’t want to hear. That can be really hard, but people know when you’re not being honest with them. They may not be aware that they know, but on some level they know. And on some level they can’t trust you. This is the feeling I had with my wife. I don’t really trust her because she doesn’t know how to be honest with me. When I’m not meeting a need for her, she attacks me. When she is feeling afraid, she attacks me. If she feels vulnerable, she attacks. That’s not truthful. I recently learned that perhaps because I hold a lot of hurt in this relationship, she must hold the anger. So there is the possibility that she might (subconsciously) be trying to get me to hold more of the anger by pushing my buttons. I think my wife has a lot of hurt that she can’t express and maybe that’s why she tries to get me angry. Maybe she feels she can’t express it because I hold so much hurt. This also might be why she attacks my manhood. She doesn’t feel that a man should have hurt feelings and that he’s not much of a man if he does and if he expresses this. So she attacks my manhood to make me angry to prove to her that I’m a real man...It kind of makes sense to me. My wife isn’t a mean person and I know there is a reason for all of the anger towards me. This would make sense to me. So I must resolve the hurt in my life so that I can hold more anger to allow her to be able to express her hurt. I want that for her because I know she has a lot of hurt that she needs to let go of and I want her to truly be happy. Maybe I haven’t been allowing her to be able to let go. I don’t know if there’s any validity to what I’m saying, but it sounds good to me. I’m gonna work on it...
I know that I want a much deeper relationship with my wife and son. I want to be able to be myself with them. I want to speak the truth to both of them always and be present in each and every moment that we’re together. The only way to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone is to be honest with them. That may mean that you have to hurt their feelings. You may need to say things that they don’t want to hear. That can be really hard, but people know when you’re not being honest with them. They may not be aware that they know, but on some level they know. And on some level they can’t trust you. This is the feeling I had with my wife. I don’t really trust her because she doesn’t know how to be honest with me. When I’m not meeting a need for her, she attacks me. When she is feeling afraid, she attacks me. If she feels vulnerable, she attacks. That’s not truthful. I recently learned that perhaps because I hold a lot of hurt in this relationship, she must hold the anger. So there is the possibility that she might (subconsciously) be trying to get me to hold more of the anger by pushing my buttons. I think my wife has a lot of hurt that she can’t express and maybe that’s why she tries to get me angry. Maybe she feels she can’t express it because I hold so much hurt. This also might be why she attacks my manhood. She doesn’t feel that a man should have hurt feelings and that he’s not much of a man if he does and if he expresses this. So she attacks my manhood to make me angry to prove to her that I’m a real man...It kind of makes sense to me. My wife isn’t a mean person and I know there is a reason for all of the anger towards me. This would make sense to me. So I must resolve the hurt in my life so that I can hold more anger to allow her to be able to express her hurt. I want that for her because I know she has a lot of hurt that she needs to let go of and I want her to truly be happy. Maybe I haven’t been allowing her to be able to let go. I don’t know if there’s any validity to what I’m saying, but it sounds good to me. I’m gonna work on it...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Why Can't We Be Friends
My best friend and I have been in many fights in our 35 year friendship, but we have remained together anyway. And I mean fights where I wanted to beat the shit out of him and visa versa, but there was never really a question as to whether or not we would remain friends. Why is this different in marriages? My wife is one of my best friends. We have some great conversations, the same views on a lot of topics, laugh at the same things; we have knowing looks that we give one another. We play a lot with each other. We’re friends. So why would there ever be a question as to whether or not we will stay together?
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they married their best friend only to get divorced somewhere down the road. Friendship takes work just like marriage takes work. There’s give and take in a friendship just like in a marriage. Many best friends whether it be same sex friends or opposite sex friends act like married couples. In a lot of ways it is. This is someone you love spending time with, who you’d do anything for, listen to their problems, give advice, love their kids. For all intents and purposes, it is a marriage. You have to schedule time with them, attend their events, and sometimes, if you have the right friends, be brutally honest with them when they ask advice (or even if they don’t). Shouldn’t as much care and honesty be put into your marriage?
When you find someone that is your lover as well as your best friend, you have it all. You have someone that you can have a great time with doing nothing. But you also have someone that you can lean on when you need to; someone who’s got your back. There’s nothing wrong with needing someone. There’s no shame or weakness in saying to someone that you need them. I realize now that that’s what my wife needed, but she didn’t know how to tell me. Now, if I had been a little more conscious in the marriage, I might have picked up on this, although it’s very hard to pick up on things when they are shouted at you in the form of criticism and put downs. Maybe of she treated me more like a friend, she might have found a way to just tell me.
Maybe we should be treating our marriages like friendships and devote as much effort as we do our friendships. I know that in my own marriage there was a lot of effort being put into conflict; not resolving it, but perpetuating it. I always felt like I couldn’t be open and honest with my wife. When I would tell her that I needed her to be more understanding, she took it as a put down. She thought I was saying that the way she loved me wasn’t good enough. She loved me just fine, but she fought with me like a street thug! There was never any mercy. There was never an opportunity to get on the same level and just see one another. I believe that if you can really SEE the person you’re arguing with as a friend, it’s harder to turn a deaf ear and harder to say hurtful words. It’s like what they say about serial killers: If they can see their victims as human beings, it’s harder for killers to harm them. If we always see our partners as friends, maybe we’d be a little less vicious in our arguments. Maybe we’d listen a little bit better. And maybe we could resolve our conflicts in a much more peaceful manner and possibly save some marriages. Just a thought…
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they married their best friend only to get divorced somewhere down the road. Friendship takes work just like marriage takes work. There’s give and take in a friendship just like in a marriage. Many best friends whether it be same sex friends or opposite sex friends act like married couples. In a lot of ways it is. This is someone you love spending time with, who you’d do anything for, listen to their problems, give advice, love their kids. For all intents and purposes, it is a marriage. You have to schedule time with them, attend their events, and sometimes, if you have the right friends, be brutally honest with them when they ask advice (or even if they don’t). Shouldn’t as much care and honesty be put into your marriage?
When you find someone that is your lover as well as your best friend, you have it all. You have someone that you can have a great time with doing nothing. But you also have someone that you can lean on when you need to; someone who’s got your back. There’s nothing wrong with needing someone. There’s no shame or weakness in saying to someone that you need them. I realize now that that’s what my wife needed, but she didn’t know how to tell me. Now, if I had been a little more conscious in the marriage, I might have picked up on this, although it’s very hard to pick up on things when they are shouted at you in the form of criticism and put downs. Maybe of she treated me more like a friend, she might have found a way to just tell me.
Maybe we should be treating our marriages like friendships and devote as much effort as we do our friendships. I know that in my own marriage there was a lot of effort being put into conflict; not resolving it, but perpetuating it. I always felt like I couldn’t be open and honest with my wife. When I would tell her that I needed her to be more understanding, she took it as a put down. She thought I was saying that the way she loved me wasn’t good enough. She loved me just fine, but she fought with me like a street thug! There was never any mercy. There was never an opportunity to get on the same level and just see one another. I believe that if you can really SEE the person you’re arguing with as a friend, it’s harder to turn a deaf ear and harder to say hurtful words. It’s like what they say about serial killers: If they can see their victims as human beings, it’s harder for killers to harm them. If we always see our partners as friends, maybe we’d be a little less vicious in our arguments. Maybe we’d listen a little bit better. And maybe we could resolve our conflicts in a much more peaceful manner and possibly save some marriages. Just a thought…
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Stop Playing The Blame Game
When a marriage breaks up, I wonder if the husband and wife accept their role in the break up. It takes two people in a marriage whether it works or it fails. It can’t be both of their successes when it works and only one person’s fault when it doesn’t work. There are always two sides to the situation. Marriage takes work no matter how much we want it to be really easy and to just exist together peacefully. If I were asked whether or not I put in 100% effort into my marriage I would have to say no. If I were asked that question before my wife and I separated, I would have told you of course I did. I really thought I was working as hard as I could in my marriage. I was working hard, but I was working hard at trying to stay afloat. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t grab a hold of the life preserver. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get my head above water. But just like drowning, the more you flail, the more you sink. And I was flailing like a maniac!
I think that there was so much more I could have done. It’s not about the other person and what they would have done and the if onlys. If only she would have this or if only she would have that then we’d have a great marriage. I am in love with my wife, very much in love with her. We are like kids when we’re together. We play little games. We hold hands. We are in love. So to me all of this makes no sense, but then again it does. I thought that putting the time into my marriage was enough, that making sure that my wife felt like she was beautiful and that she was the only woman in the world for me was enough. It wasn’t. There was a lot more that I could have done. It’s hard for me to pinpoint specific things I could have done, but I know that I didn’t give it my all because I was too busy trying to save myself. My marriage means everything to me and I should have done a lot more to hold it together. I’m not saying that my wife doesn’t share responsibility with me, but maybe if she would have felt that I was working as hard as I could, that she would have done the same.
I think that there was so much more I could have done. It’s not about the other person and what they would have done and the if onlys. If only she would have this or if only she would have that then we’d have a great marriage. I am in love with my wife, very much in love with her. We are like kids when we’re together. We play little games. We hold hands. We are in love. So to me all of this makes no sense, but then again it does. I thought that putting the time into my marriage was enough, that making sure that my wife felt like she was beautiful and that she was the only woman in the world for me was enough. It wasn’t. There was a lot more that I could have done. It’s hard for me to pinpoint specific things I could have done, but I know that I didn’t give it my all because I was too busy trying to save myself. My marriage means everything to me and I should have done a lot more to hold it together. I’m not saying that my wife doesn’t share responsibility with me, but maybe if she would have felt that I was working as hard as I could, that she would have done the same.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Struggling but staying in faith...
Every day I struggle with the what if’s. What if I hadn’t grabbed her? What if I had removed myself from the situation before this fight like I had been thinking about doing? What if I had tried harder to connect with my son? It drives me crazy to think about these scenarios and the what if’s. I can’t change the things that I’ve done. But God in His wisdom will make everything work out the way it’s supposed to. In a way, I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did only because it was a shock to my sensibilities. If I had left on my own, I might have spent that time in victimhood and playing the blame game. God always seems to put me in the right place at the right time. Being away from my family allows me to grow in a way that I don’t think I could being around them. I’m able to focus on myself and my strengths and weaknesses and I’ll be able to come back to the family as a much stronger person. I do believe that I will be back with my family because I don’t believe that God put us together just for this brief period of time. I know in my heart that we will one day reconcile. I know it so certainly that I am not even anxious about it at all. Normally, I’d be worried all the time about it. When? When? WHEN? But having this faith makes me a lot more calm and able to let go and let God. This is very new for me to have this type of faith. I’ve never before felt the strength to be able to believe in my heart’s desire no matter is happening around me. It is strange and new. I’m used to constantly worrying and being angry that my prayers aren’t being answered when I want them answered. And constantly asking why. It’s not easy but I feel powerful to be able to know that God has my back.
I’ve been able to talk to people who have held me accountable and won’t let me play the victim. I am completely responsible for my life. I am responsible for how people treat me. So if I didn’t get any respect, it was because I had in some way taught them that it was OK not to treat me with respect. I feel so powerful just saying that!! I know that I have it in my power to command respect. I’m still learning how to take care of myself. I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like the way I’m being treated. I’m learning to ask to be treated the way I would like to be treated. I don’t have to be angry to do it. It’s a simple request. It feels good to be in control.
I’ve been able to talk to people who have held me accountable and won’t let me play the victim. I am completely responsible for my life. I am responsible for how people treat me. So if I didn’t get any respect, it was because I had in some way taught them that it was OK not to treat me with respect. I feel so powerful just saying that!! I know that I have it in my power to command respect. I’m still learning how to take care of myself. I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like the way I’m being treated. I’m learning to ask to be treated the way I would like to be treated. I don’t have to be angry to do it. It’s a simple request. It feels good to be in control.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My Story
About 2 months ago, my wife and I had a very big argument. It was so big that she forced me to move out of the house. I was so pissed at her. I wanted her to pay for destroying the beautiful relationship that we had. I kept saying that if she could only see what she did; if she could only admit what she had done. I spent many nights just being angry. Along about the same time, I was reintroduced to a way if living that causes you to expect more from yourself, challenge yourself, live fearlessly, completely open and expressive and totally engaged with the world. It came along at the right time. I had forgotten what it was like to feel fear and do things anyway. I had checked out of the marriage without realizing it. I had checked out of being a father out of fear of fucking up and rejection. I couldn’t see any of this until I could put some distance between me and my family. And now that I can see what I was doing to my family, I am ready to start down this long road to becoming the man I want to be.
How It All Started
I met my wife when we were both working at Bank of America. One of my friends thought that we would make a good couple, but I didn’t see it. But we had a first date anyway...on television. Our first date was on The Learning Channel’s A Dating Story. It wasn’t a love connection, but a friend connection. We hung out on occasion and I thought that maybe we could try and make something more of it, but she wasn’t interested. No big deal to me. I moved on and so did she. We hooked up every now and then over the next couple of years. And then through a series of moves, I lost track of her. So I thought I’d never see her again.
Then one day out of the blue, she called me. It had been about 2 years since I had talked to her, but she somehow remembered my number. A coincidence? I think not. I happened to be doing a show at the time and I invited her to come. She came to see the show and we went out afterwards. We had a great time. While we were together, God spoke to me. It had to be God because it was an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was the one. I was shocked! It came from nowhere and was the furthest thing from my mind, but it was a powerful voice and I knew in that instant what I had to do. I had to make her mine. She was still resistant to being with me until one day we went out to dinner and she told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. It was then that I knew I had her. We had a very short courtship because I had an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was not girlfriend material, but wife material. And I had to agree. It just didn’t feel right to call her my girlfriend. It felt right to call her my wife. So after 3 months, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. And on Christmas Eve 2005, three months after I proposed we got married. It felt right and it has always felt right. I was definitely receiving very powerful spiritual guidance.
My Struggle
My wife has a son and it looked like we were all going to get along really well. Then we didn’t. I felt totally disrespected as a parent not only by my stepson, but by my wife, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I felt that no one saw me as a parent and it made me feel really insecure. And we all know what happens to insecure people who are supposed to have authority, but don’t feel like they do…they beat suspects with their batons. I wasn’t beating up anyone, but I knew that I couldn’t get a solid foothold in my family. I was drowning and no matter how much I tried to grab onto something to save me, I just kept going under. And it’s a scary place to be. And it had a ripple affect. My wife didn’t feel supported because I wasn’t supporting our son. The problem was that I couldn’t see it and my wife couldn’t communicate it to me in a healthy way. It was communicated to me as putdowns, and name calling. So of course, I was defensive. After years of enduring this verbal abuse, the argument came to a head and I grabbed my wife to try and make her listen to what she was saying to me. Of course, that’s not the way to handle it and that’s not the way I want to be. She had me removed from the house and it was a very humbling experience. My marriage was over. I had to move in with a friend until I could find a place to live. I was separated physically from my family after having been separated from them mentally.
The Realization
Seven years beforehand, I attended a weekend at the The Wright Institute. I began to think about life differently and began to fill my life with more fulfilling things. I knew that that was the key to more success, more love, more money, more time, more of everything. And it had been working. In fact, that’s when my wife came back into my life. To me it was just another sign that the time was right. So after we separated, I was reintroduced to the institute and these principles and it was like a slap in the face. I hadn’t been fully engaged. I hadn’t been fully open and present in each and every moment. I hadn’t been living in truth. I hadn’t been facing my fears. I had checked out and was playing it safe. And when it hit me, I knew that there was some emotional business I needed to clean up. I had an honest conversation with my mother-in-law which led to an honest conversation with my wife and stepson. I finally got it. I got what my wife was trying to say to me and I got that I wasn’t there the way I needed to be for my son or for her. It was an even more humbling experience than getting kicked out of my house. I had to stand in front of my son and my wife and tell them that I was a fuck up. I told them that things would be different because now I was going to force myself to be there even though I was still scared. And that my wife would feel like she wasn’t doing everything by herself. I have to be committed to my family in more than word. I have to show them that I am the man that I know I can be.
How It All Started
I met my wife when we were both working at Bank of America. One of my friends thought that we would make a good couple, but I didn’t see it. But we had a first date anyway...on television. Our first date was on The Learning Channel’s A Dating Story. It wasn’t a love connection, but a friend connection. We hung out on occasion and I thought that maybe we could try and make something more of it, but she wasn’t interested. No big deal to me. I moved on and so did she. We hooked up every now and then over the next couple of years. And then through a series of moves, I lost track of her. So I thought I’d never see her again.
Then one day out of the blue, she called me. It had been about 2 years since I had talked to her, but she somehow remembered my number. A coincidence? I think not. I happened to be doing a show at the time and I invited her to come. She came to see the show and we went out afterwards. We had a great time. While we were together, God spoke to me. It had to be God because it was an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was the one. I was shocked! It came from nowhere and was the furthest thing from my mind, but it was a powerful voice and I knew in that instant what I had to do. I had to make her mine. She was still resistant to being with me until one day we went out to dinner and she told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. It was then that I knew I had her. We had a very short courtship because I had an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was not girlfriend material, but wife material. And I had to agree. It just didn’t feel right to call her my girlfriend. It felt right to call her my wife. So after 3 months, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. And on Christmas Eve 2005, three months after I proposed we got married. It felt right and it has always felt right. I was definitely receiving very powerful spiritual guidance.
My Struggle
My wife has a son and it looked like we were all going to get along really well. Then we didn’t. I felt totally disrespected as a parent not only by my stepson, but by my wife, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I felt that no one saw me as a parent and it made me feel really insecure. And we all know what happens to insecure people who are supposed to have authority, but don’t feel like they do…they beat suspects with their batons. I wasn’t beating up anyone, but I knew that I couldn’t get a solid foothold in my family. I was drowning and no matter how much I tried to grab onto something to save me, I just kept going under. And it’s a scary place to be. And it had a ripple affect. My wife didn’t feel supported because I wasn’t supporting our son. The problem was that I couldn’t see it and my wife couldn’t communicate it to me in a healthy way. It was communicated to me as putdowns, and name calling. So of course, I was defensive. After years of enduring this verbal abuse, the argument came to a head and I grabbed my wife to try and make her listen to what she was saying to me. Of course, that’s not the way to handle it and that’s not the way I want to be. She had me removed from the house and it was a very humbling experience. My marriage was over. I had to move in with a friend until I could find a place to live. I was separated physically from my family after having been separated from them mentally.
The Realization
Seven years beforehand, I attended a weekend at the The Wright Institute. I began to think about life differently and began to fill my life with more fulfilling things. I knew that that was the key to more success, more love, more money, more time, more of everything. And it had been working. In fact, that’s when my wife came back into my life. To me it was just another sign that the time was right. So after we separated, I was reintroduced to the institute and these principles and it was like a slap in the face. I hadn’t been fully engaged. I hadn’t been fully open and present in each and every moment. I hadn’t been living in truth. I hadn’t been facing my fears. I had checked out and was playing it safe. And when it hit me, I knew that there was some emotional business I needed to clean up. I had an honest conversation with my mother-in-law which led to an honest conversation with my wife and stepson. I finally got it. I got what my wife was trying to say to me and I got that I wasn’t there the way I needed to be for my son or for her. It was an even more humbling experience than getting kicked out of my house. I had to stand in front of my son and my wife and tell them that I was a fuck up. I told them that things would be different because now I was going to force myself to be there even though I was still scared. And that my wife would feel like she wasn’t doing everything by herself. I have to be committed to my family in more than word. I have to show them that I am the man that I know I can be.
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