Being away from my family is both a curse and a blessing. It’s a curse because I miss them terribly. I don’t get to look at their faces every morning. I don’t get to wake up next to my wife every morning or lay next to her every night. On the other hand, it’s a joy that I’m not sure I was able to appreciate until now. It’s a blessing because I am able to see things much more clearly being away from them. I am also able to cherish the time I get to spend with them more. Every moment is precious and I don’t spend that time looking for things to criticize, but just enjoying our time together. It’s how we really should spend time with people in general, but especially family. I am also blessed with such insight into me and my family. Being away from them, I notice things about them that I’m not sure I noticed while I was living with them. I can see how the way I was interacting with them before was not the best that I could be and affected the way they interacted with me. I’m beginning to see them in a different light. I understand them a lot better maybe because I have to pay attention. There’s no time to blow them off or engage in “less than” interactions. I must be fully present and engaged. I don’t have 24/7 with them right now.
All of this is scary and it might even be scary to them. My son seems to be more open to it than my wife. I know that whenever I tend to really SEE my wife, she gets a little defensive. I want to be able to have honest, deep and meaningful interactions with her. I’m beginning to have more of that with my son and it’s scary and exhilarating and fulfilling. I’m engaging with him in a way that I was afraid to before. I’m connecting with him in a way that I never had before. I’m still scared, but I’m trying to appreciate the adventure in this. In fact, I’m looking at this whole process as an adventure. I’ve had to rearrange my entire life. And it’s an adventure. I’m in a new neighborhood, a new house, I see new people on the way to work and I’m trying to open myself up more to the world to take in all of this newness. I’m trying to connect and engage with strangers more. It’s very scary. Sometimes I get rejected, but it’s all part of the adventure. I’m trying to get back to living like a kid. I really shouldn’t care what people think just as long as I’m having fun. I know that I stopped having fun in my home. Everything was a drag. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. If I had been able to see that everything that was going on was part of the adventure of life, I might have reacted much differently to what was happening. If I had had that sense of play, I probably would have found a way to make my wife’s harsh words a game. She was trying to tell me something that she wanted, but couldn’t articulate it in a healthy, responsible way. How many times have we done this in our lives? Many! Understanding this, I could have played “What Is My Wife REALLY Trying To Say?” And engaged with her in a different way which might have led her to be able to state what she needed from me.
All of this is of course speculation, but I am open to experimenting with these ideas because it’s all part of the adventure!
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