Wanting Something More

Neither my wife nor I had families that were in tact. It would be nice to be able to break the cycle. When I took my vows, I took them very seriously. I knew that there might be times when we would face the “worse” and that I would always have my wife’s back in those cases. I knew that there would be times when we would be “poorer” and that I would do the best that I could to make sure that our family was together and appreciated each other and the blessings that we have. I knew that there would be times when we would have sickness and that’s why it didn’t bother me to spend the night on a hospital cot the night after my wife’s surgery. It wasn’t anything life threatening, but it didn’t matter. That was my life partner and I needed to be there for her to help her take her medication and make sure she was comfortable and that’s what I did. I knew that there were other women in the world, but I didn’t even bother looking at them because I knew that the woman I was with was the best woman that I knew. What would be the point? Everyone else would pale in comparison. No matter what my wife said to me, I remained completely 1000% devoted to her. I wasn’t a perfect husband. I can see now where I was lacking, but for most of the important things, I was a good husband. I’m not sure my wife appreciates that. I worked hard to be good and decent towards her and it doesn’t seem to have mattered. All she is able to see is my mistakes. And now, I am working very hard in order to put our family together. She doesn’t seem to really care. From my perspective, she doesn’t seem to be meeting me half way. I’m trying to keep our love alive and not let it die and she seems determined to watch it fade away. Some days we’re good friends again and then the next day she’ll be distant and cold. I don’t know if she is playing me or if she is confused. There’s no point in asking her because I don’t think that she would be honest with me about how she feels. And any inquiry would probably be met with anger anyway. I think that may be her way of keeping me from digging in deep and trying to touch her emotionally. She seems to be really afraid of that and usually that’s when she attacks. It’s hard to have a really honest heart to heart talk with my wife because she spends a lot of time protecting herself from hurt. I’m not even sure that I know what her deepest desires are. I don’t even know if she knows. She may not have allowed herself to acknowledge that she has deep desires. Or maybe she has become convinced that they’re not achievable anymore. Whatever the case, I want to be able to talk about these things with my wife.

I’m learning to follow my desires. Through some workshops at The Wright Institute, I am learning to make a One Decision and use that to guide me to success. My desire is to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my wife where we are able to talk about tough stuff and challenge each other to grow and succeed. My desire is to help people to feel better about themselves. I want people to know what potential is inside them. And that they shouldn’t let fear stop them pursuing their dreams; to trust in whatever power they believe in to guide them and help them to be a success. I really want to make a difference in people’s lives.