My best friend and I have been in many fights in our 35 year friendship, but we have remained together anyway. And I mean fights where I wanted to beat the shit out of him and visa versa, but there was never really a question as to whether or not we would remain friends. Why is this different in marriages? My wife is one of my best friends. We have some great conversations, the same views on a lot of topics, laugh at the same things; we have knowing looks that we give one another. We play a lot with each other. We’re friends. So why would there ever be a question as to whether or not we will stay together?
I’ve heard a lot of people say that they married their best friend only to get divorced somewhere down the road. Friendship takes work just like marriage takes work. There’s give and take in a friendship just like in a marriage. Many best friends whether it be same sex friends or opposite sex friends act like married couples. In a lot of ways it is. This is someone you love spending time with, who you’d do anything for, listen to their problems, give advice, love their kids. For all intents and purposes, it is a marriage. You have to schedule time with them, attend their events, and sometimes, if you have the right friends, be brutally honest with them when they ask advice (or even if they don’t). Shouldn’t as much care and honesty be put into your marriage?
When you find someone that is your lover as well as your best friend, you have it all. You have someone that you can have a great time with doing nothing. But you also have someone that you can lean on when you need to; someone who’s got your back. There’s nothing wrong with needing someone. There’s no shame or weakness in saying to someone that you need them. I realize now that that’s what my wife needed, but she didn’t know how to tell me. Now, if I had been a little more conscious in the marriage, I might have picked up on this, although it’s very hard to pick up on things when they are shouted at you in the form of criticism and put downs. Maybe of she treated me more like a friend, she might have found a way to just tell me.
Maybe we should be treating our marriages like friendships and devote as much effort as we do our friendships. I know that in my own marriage there was a lot of effort being put into conflict; not resolving it, but perpetuating it. I always felt like I couldn’t be open and honest with my wife. When I would tell her that I needed her to be more understanding, she took it as a put down. She thought I was saying that the way she loved me wasn’t good enough. She loved me just fine, but she fought with me like a street thug! There was never any mercy. There was never an opportunity to get on the same level and just see one another. I believe that if you can really SEE the person you’re arguing with as a friend, it’s harder to turn a deaf ear and harder to say hurtful words. It’s like what they say about serial killers: If they can see their victims as human beings, it’s harder for killers to harm them. If we always see our partners as friends, maybe we’d be a little less vicious in our arguments. Maybe we’d listen a little bit better. And maybe we could resolve our conflicts in a much more peaceful manner and possibly save some marriages. Just a thought…
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