Every day I struggle with the what if’s. What if I hadn’t grabbed her? What if I had removed myself from the situation before this fight like I had been thinking about doing? What if I had tried harder to connect with my son? It drives me crazy to think about these scenarios and the what if’s. I can’t change the things that I’ve done. But God in His wisdom will make everything work out the way it’s supposed to. In a way, I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did only because it was a shock to my sensibilities. If I had left on my own, I might have spent that time in victimhood and playing the blame game. God always seems to put me in the right place at the right time. Being away from my family allows me to grow in a way that I don’t think I could being around them. I’m able to focus on myself and my strengths and weaknesses and I’ll be able to come back to the family as a much stronger person. I do believe that I will be back with my family because I don’t believe that God put us together just for this brief period of time. I know in my heart that we will one day reconcile. I know it so certainly that I am not even anxious about it at all. Normally, I’d be worried all the time about it. When? When? WHEN? But having this faith makes me a lot more calm and able to let go and let God. This is very new for me to have this type of faith. I’ve never before felt the strength to be able to believe in my heart’s desire no matter is happening around me. It is strange and new. I’m used to constantly worrying and being angry that my prayers aren’t being answered when I want them answered. And constantly asking why. It’s not easy but I feel powerful to be able to know that God has my back.
I’ve been able to talk to people who have held me accountable and won’t let me play the victim. I am completely responsible for my life. I am responsible for how people treat me. So if I didn’t get any respect, it was because I had in some way taught them that it was OK not to treat me with respect. I feel so powerful just saying that!! I know that I have it in my power to command respect. I’m still learning how to take care of myself. I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like the way I’m being treated. I’m learning to ask to be treated the way I would like to be treated. I don’t have to be angry to do it. It’s a simple request. It feels good to be in control.
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