The Very End

Well, my wife seems to have gotten to a point of no return and she is taking my son with her. I had surgery on November 19 and my wife picked me up and took me to the hospital and stayed there with me until midnight and came back the next day and picked me up. I tried one last effort to get her to fight for our marriage and she refused. She kept saying “We’re done.” Maybe the drugs kept me from addressing the “we’re” but she relayed to me an incident that had happened earlier that week. I went to my father’s club meeting and the guest speaker there was the wrestling coach. My son had told me that he was wrestling now and that he was really tired after school because of wrestling practice. I told him to let me know when he has meets because I’d like to go. So when I had the opportunity to talk to the coach and ask how my son was doing, I did. I had made a commitment to stay plugged in and do things differently with my son. I had checked out before and it caused all kinds of problems. So I vowed that I would not do that anymore even though I am out of the house. So I asked the coach if he was ____________’s coach. He told me that he hadn’t been coming to practice and that he had a feeling that he as telling mom and dad that he was going to practice. Then he asked me if I was related to him. And I told him that I was his stepfather. So after the meeting, I called my wife to discuss what our son was doing after school and I said to her, “Unless you know something that I don’t know, we have to talk about what our son is doing after school.” She explained to me that he couldn’t go to wrestling until he got a physical and he’s been still working out, but not the wrestling team. So she knew about it. I said that was a relief and that was that. Well, the coach said something to my son and accused him of lying to us. This of course pissed my son off because he thought I had suggested to the coach that he was lying. My wife was telling me this like I had done something wrong by asking about my son. That was her attitude. Like I had no right to be asking any of his teachers or coaches anything about him. But I kept trying to make my wife see that we still have a lot of love to share and we have a life to live. Unfortunately, I also talked about the past and about her part of the responsibility in the mess that we’re in. I should have realized that she’s too far in denial for me to be able to reason her and so I’ve made a vow not to bring it up again.

Now fast forward to this morning. I called my son as I always do every morning to tell him to have a good day. I asked him if he had a wrestling meet today and he said no. Then I asked him if he had one next Friday and he said he didn’t know. I said, “I think you do because I looked at the schedule.” Then I told him to be safe and have a good day. Next thing I know, I’m getting a nasty email from my wife bitching me out for questioning whether or not my son knew if he had a wrestling match. She told me that if he doesn’t know then he doesn’t know. She thought I was saying I think you do know rather than I think you do have a meet. I don’t know if he thought it or if she thought it, but she told me that I was not welcome at the meets and that “neither one of us wants you there.” I was extremely hurt by this, but I have vowed to not let her take me to an angry place. It was really hard, but I maintained self-control and did not get angry. She even called me up and screamed at me to not talk to any of her friends. I again maintained self-control and simply told her that she cannot dictate who I can and cannot talk to. I’m sure she didn’t hear me because she was still screaming, so I called her after she hung up on me and left that message on her voice mail.

I was very proud of myself for not letting her take me to an angry place. I know she’s going to continue to try because she does love to push my buttons, but I have to learn not to react to that. Today was the first step and I think I’m going to be OK…

It's Hard To Be The Bigger Person

My entire perspective is changing through this entire process. I never had a father growing up so I’ve always had a very jaded view of men. I’ve never trusted them. And I’ve always thought that if a woman was mad at a man for something, it was the man’s fault. I’ve never understood why a man would walk away from his child in a divorce or otherwise. It’s never made sense to me why a man wouldn’t pay child support to his wife either. Until now. I voluntarily pay child support to my wife. I’ve been very cooperative throughout this entire separation. I’ve agreed to leave the electricity in my name so that she didn’t have to pay $500 to get it in her name. I turned the cable back on and left it in my name so she could have cable tv. And I still pay her phone bill. I do these things not because I owe her or because I’m trying to get something back from her, but because I love her. She is my wife and I love her very much. As thanks, I am threatened with having the police called on me, she won’t talk to me except via email or text messaging. And she refuses to stop being hostile towards me so that our son doesn’t feel conflicted about spending time with me. She has also made it clear that even though she won’t stand in the way of my son and I having a relationship, she won’t assist me in maintaining the relationship. Nice.

For very brief moments, I entertain the notion of just walking away from the both of them. My relationship with my son is strained admittedly because of me, but I’m trying to rebuild it. And instead of recognizing the effort and supporting it, she would rather piss on it. Now I’m trying to get a house so that when we get back together, we have a nice place to live that will hopefully produce some income. We’re going to need it when our son goes off to college. I’m going through a program that will help me get the property with no money down, no closing costs, no points, no, PMI and a 3.75% interest rate. However, since we are married she has to come to that first meeting with all of her financial information and she refuses to do it which means that I can’t go through the program. Unbelieveable!

I can totally understand how a man could get so fed up with having to deal with his ex-wife that he would stop paying child support or stop seeing his child. It’s ALMOST too much trouble. But the child is the most important part of this equation and when one party isn’t willing to make it easier for their child, you have to wonder if it’s worth it to try and work things out. And it’s very hard to remember that the money you’re paying is for your child and not for her. It just feels like it’s helping her out though and I know that if the situation were reversed, she wouldn’t do the same thing for me. So it’s really hard for me to be the bigger person here and continue to help pay child support voluntarily. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s very hard. And I struggle with myself every day.

Frustration and Anger

For the longest time, I have been dancing around the issues. I’ve been very careful not to bring up the issue of my wife’s contribution to our marriage breaking up. I’ve essentially been walking on egg shells. A few weeks ago, I went to my mother-in-law’s house and was met with much hostility. I didn’t understand why this was happening because we had been getting along very well since the breakup. I asked her about it and she told me that she heard some very disturbing things about me. I asked her what they were and then decided that I didn’t want to hear the answer because it would only serve to create more hostility between my wife and me. She criticized my job that I had during the recession. My mother-in-law told me that she didn’t think that my job as a pizza delivery guy was the best job to have. I agreed, but then I asked her what she would have me to do. I couldn’t find another job at the time and that was the only job I could get. I also reminded her that that job paid all the bills in the house. It seems as though my wife might have neglected to tell my mother-in-law this point. I also told her that I had the bank statements to prove it in case she didn’t believe me. I simply said to her that I was tired of the responsibility being solely upon me, and my wife acting like she’s a victim. It is not and never will be entirely my fault that our marriage has broken up. I’ve been afraid (I guess this is the word I should use) of making my wife take responsibility for her actions. I’ve listened to people say that I did this and I did that without ever talking about what my wife did in the marriage. And now I’m frustrated because after all of these months (4) she is still not taking responsibility for her actions. My frustration grows into anger every time someone tells me what I did and doesn’t speak about what she did.
I would never make excuses for my behavior, but to me it seems kind of funny that all of a sudden I have an anger issue. It just reared it’s head all of a sudden 4 years into the marriage? That seems kind of strange. I wasn’t this angry before. Surely there must have been some extenuating circumstances that has caused me to be this angry. Unfortunately, we’re not talking about them. I don’t say that to excuse or justify my behavior. I take full responsibility for my actions. But I wasn’t in this relationship alone. It really frustrates me because you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge and if she never acknowledges her part, we will be doomed to repeat it.
She tells me that she doesn’t trust me, but I believe that she really doesn’t trust herself to NOT talk to me like I’m a dog. And I think she’s afraid that it will happen again should she fall into that same pattern. I think she’s afraid to try and change because it’s going to be hard, but nothing in life worth having is easy. I’m really trying to stay above the anger and hostility. Really once I had accepted my responsibility, a lot of the anger towards my wife went away. It made it easier to interact with her. But when she continues to look at me like I’m to blame (I can see it in her eyes), it frustrates me. At this point, I’m not sure we’ll ever get back together.

How I Failed My Son

When I was growing up, I didn’t have a father around. I was raised by my mother and grandmother. I wasn’t taught the stereotypical things that a man teaches his son. I also missed having a father figure around. So when I became a step-father, I wanted to make sure that I was around. I knew that my son was scared about my leaving and so resisted bonding with me. As a result, I shied away. I wasn’t strong enough to keep trying. So I resigned myself to the notion that as long as I was there that was good enough. It wasn’t. I thought that as long as I was there in the house, paying bills, doing things at his school, and basically just being a presence there that that was enough. I figured that at least he can see me every day. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t active in the parenting. I was afraid. I was afraid of messing this kid up. I hated to be left alone with him because I used to imagine what would happen between me and my wife should something bad happen on my watch. This isn’t my kid. It’s OK if you mess up with your own kid, but I was so afraid that my wife wouldn’t believe that it was an accident or that I tried everything I could. So I checked out; of my son’s life and of my marriage. I robbed my son of a dad. And I robbed myself of a chance to really get to know this kid. He is a wonderful son and I’m very proud of him. I am trying very hard to bond with him, but it is so hard now that I am out of the house. I’m angry at myself, but I have to forgive myself. I made a mistake and I am paying for it, but it’s not too late.

It’s hard to be a step parent, but it’s not impossible. I kept blaming my wife and my son instead of blaming me for the state of our relationship. I was drowning in my own self pity and I couldn’t see my way out. It’s such a bad place to be. I was vulnerable and all I could do was blame the people around me. It was my fault. I am responsible for my own world. If I don’t like something, I have to change it. I was waiting for them to change. Wow! This is hard to admit and hard to say. You can’t wait for other people to change. You have to be the one to change if you don’t like what’s going on. I should have changed my response and I should have been strong enough to hang in there. This was too important. This was my family. I abandoned them. Not completely, but definitely in a way I left them. And this is why my wife felt like she had a roommate and not a husband. She used to say this to me, but she said this in relationship to money. So all I can hear is that I’m not providing for her the way she wants to be provided for. I’m not paying all the bills in the house. She shouldn’t have to pay ½ the mortgage. A real man would pay the entire mortgage. This is what I heard and I couldn’t read between the lines at what she was really trying to say. I spent so much time defending myself that I couldn’t hear her.

I am so sorry about checking out of my marriage and parenting. I hope I get the opportunity to show them both that they weren’t wrong for loving me. I failed my son and by doing that failed my wife and I hope that I can make it up to them.

No More Control

For some reason, the fact that I am nice to my wife infuriates her. She is really angry with me because I apologized to my sister-in-law for allowing how Eula feels about her to affect the way I feel about her without giving her a chance. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time, but I was afraid of what my wife would say so I never told her. The timing of my apology was really bad, but I knew that it would make her stop talking to me all together and that’s what I needed to happen. I just couldn’t take the hot and cold during this separation. I just wanted to start working towards being together again, but somehow I don’t think that was ever going to happen. I didn’t have the guts to call it off, but I knew that she would if I could do something that she would view as the ultimate betrayal.

About 10 years ago, I was really overweight, angry all the time, drank a lot, had low self-esteem, and was probably in denial of it all. I wasn’t going anywhere in my career and just kind of worked a job. I had always wished that I could change because I always knew that I could be very successful if I could only break through whatever was holding me back. I am ambitious and a hard worker. One of the things I wanted to change about me was my anger. I had a hair trigger temper. I would get mad in situations before I was even in the situation. I would anticipate that I was going to lose or someone would give me a hard time and I wouldn’t get my way or whatever it was and I would get angry before I had face that situation. Then there was no talking to me. I didn’t want to listen. All I did was rage on. Yelling and screaming, with my teeth and fists clenched, but I didn’t care because I was angry. And these people pissed me off so they deserved whatever was coming to them. And I was gonna give it to them good! And I did. I bet I was a sight! I am embarrassed thinking about some of the times I was in a store or something yelling and screaming at some poor customer service rep. I wanted to change my behavior because I knew deep inside that it wasn’t good, but I felt powerless to change. And on top of that, I actually felt better when I exploded like that. So it was going to be hard to justify trying to change my behavior to myself.

I don’t know what gave me the courage, but I finally started getting therapy. I began to talk about my behavior and try to figure out why I got so angry. I wasn’t making much progress and I guess I was frustrated. The therapist asked me what I felt was a stupid question and I snapped on her. I went off! And she kicked me out of her office. Well, that for me was rock bottom. I’m just glad that it was an incident with a stranger rather than with a friend or family member. I HAD to get some help for my anger. I had to figure this thing out. So I went to another therapist and talked and talked and talked. I still wasn’t getting anywhere, but I just kept soul searching and asking myself why. What does it do for me? In what types of situations do I get angry? Finally one day it just hit me! I use anger as shield. If I think I’m going to be hurt, won’t get my way, or be given a hard time I will get angry. It was like the heavens has opened up and birds were singing and there was a rainbow in the sky! It was such a relief. Now I had an answer and because I had an answer, I could control it. I would find myself going into the situations that I knew would make me angry and I would talk to myself beforehand and calm myself down. Then I could go into the situation more rationally and ask for what I want instead of demanding it. And guess what. I was usually successful. And when I wasn’t, I could remain calm and try and talk through the situation. I still might not come out on top, but it didn’t get me enraged anymore. This is where I learned how to take things in stride. I would ask myself if in the greater scheme of things this really matters. If it didn’t then there was no reason to get mad.
And that’s pretty much the way I try and live today. If it really doesn’t matter, then I don’t need to get mad about it. My wife on the other hand is just like I used to be which is why it baffles me that she thinks that I have an anger problem. I keep trying to tell her that I’m not the one with the problem. She also now has accused me of being verbally and emotionally abusive as well as immature. This coming from the same woman who regularly called me a “bitch ass” or “little bitch” and would demean me and ridicule me every chance she got. This is also coming from a woman who has told me that I can’t talk to her best friend. I can no longer engage and a back and forth with her. She has convinced herself that this is the truth and is still acting like I haven’t take responsibility for my actions and apologized. I have several times and she still persists in this notion that I alone am to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. That is impossible since it takes two to tango. I am beating my head against the wall and it has to stop. I can’t keep going back and forth with her. It’s not getting me anywhere and I’m just getting frustrated. And when I get frustrated, I get angry and I’m tired of being angry. Someone has to stop and I’m sure it won’t be my wife.
I love my wife very much. She reminds me of me about 10 years ago. It took me a lot of years to get to a point where I can listen to people, not get angry, put my own feelings aside to get their point of view. I noticed myself regressing back to old behavior in arguments with my wife. I remember telling her that one time, but it’s really hard to maintain your composure when someone is being completely irrational. I got frustrated and sometimes threw tantrums. I kept trying to defend myself against her much as I am doing now and it’s driving me crazy. I had to realize that I can’t change her perception of me; I can only change my reaction to it. I’ve decided to let her say whatever she wants to about me, I am not going to react. I have to be confident in who I am and that I have taken full responsibility for all of my actions. I cannot continue to defend myself against other actions for which I am not responsible. I am responsible for everything that I have done and must take the high road with everything else. I can’t allow her to control my behavior anymore by pushing my buttons. It’s going to be hard, but I feel freer knowing that she can’t take me to a place I don’t want to go.

More Self Reflection

Why Must Things Be This Difficult?

I have made a decision. I have to focus exclusively on myself and making myself better while also making sure that I maintain my relationship with my son. My wife is just being too difficult and unreasonable because she can.

This past Sunday, I ran the Rock and Roll Chicago ½ Marathon. It was an amazing feat and one that I will never have to repeat. It’s something that I can check off of my bucket list. I will NEVER run a marathon!! Not that I couldn’t do it, but I just think the idea of doing twice what I did on Sunday is crazy. The ½ marathon was something that I wanted to accomplish for me.

My wife and son met me at the finish line which was really nice. We went out for lunch afterwards and had a really nice family day together. But unfortunately what typically happens after we have a nice day like that together, my wife will become distant and uncooperative. I can’t remember if I told you in a previous post, but my wife told me that she was wanted to try and work things out and work towards getting back together. My prayers had been answered…or so I thought. Every time I try and be friends with her, ie. talk like we always have about entertainment, soaps, the news, etc, she talks to me, but it’s very different than it used to be. It’s somewhat cold and distant. Not every time, but usually after we’ve seen each other and had a good time, that’s when she gets distant. At least she’s laughing with me again. It was a long time coming before I could make her laugh like I used to. It seems as though every time I try and keep our friendship alive, she starts being very defensive. Where is it written that there has to be animosity because we’re separated? This last incident has led me to believe that my wife is more immature than I originally thought. She sent me an email about one of our animal babies having a baby. I said I wanted to come see it. She ignored that request. I sent her another request to come see it and she ignored that one as well. I called her about something else and decided to speak the things that don’t get said. I asked her if she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I didn’t need to come over; she would send a picture. I asked why she had a problem with me coming over. She said that I was using it as an excuse. I asked, “An excuse for what?” She said that I couldn’t just come over anytime I wanted. I agreed and said that that was why I was asking. She said that if we made plans that I could come over. So I said, ‘OK, let’s make plans.” She said no. I asked why and she said something about not knowing her schedule or something and I asked her why she even needed to be there. The exchange went on for a few more seconds and then she threatened to take out another order of protection on me or perhaps a restraining order. She said, “Do you want to go through that again?” I started to say something else and she hung up. I’m stunned and baffled as to why she is behaving like this. I’m really pissed because she has the law on her side even though I’m not doing anything harassing or threatening. I’m not understanding why she has to be so unreasonable all the time.

In any case, I have to stop wondering. I can’t drive myself crazy wondering why she has to be so immature all the time. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this. It makes it very difficult to try and maintain a friendly relationship with her as well as continue to see my son. I don’t want her interfering with me and my son’s relationship, but she knows that she could if she wanted to. Just like she knows that she can get a court order to keep me away if she tells them that I threatened her or that I’m harassing her. It’s just not fair, but I pray to God that she gets some help soon.

Wanting Something More

Neither my wife nor I had families that were in tact. It would be nice to be able to break the cycle. When I took my vows, I took them very seriously. I knew that there might be times when we would face the “worse” and that I would always have my wife’s back in those cases. I knew that there would be times when we would be “poorer” and that I would do the best that I could to make sure that our family was together and appreciated each other and the blessings that we have. I knew that there would be times when we would have sickness and that’s why it didn’t bother me to spend the night on a hospital cot the night after my wife’s surgery. It wasn’t anything life threatening, but it didn’t matter. That was my life partner and I needed to be there for her to help her take her medication and make sure she was comfortable and that’s what I did. I knew that there were other women in the world, but I didn’t even bother looking at them because I knew that the woman I was with was the best woman that I knew. What would be the point? Everyone else would pale in comparison. No matter what my wife said to me, I remained completely 1000% devoted to her. I wasn’t a perfect husband. I can see now where I was lacking, but for most of the important things, I was a good husband. I’m not sure my wife appreciates that. I worked hard to be good and decent towards her and it doesn’t seem to have mattered. All she is able to see is my mistakes. And now, I am working very hard in order to put our family together. She doesn’t seem to really care. From my perspective, she doesn’t seem to be meeting me half way. I’m trying to keep our love alive and not let it die and she seems determined to watch it fade away. Some days we’re good friends again and then the next day she’ll be distant and cold. I don’t know if she is playing me or if she is confused. There’s no point in asking her because I don’t think that she would be honest with me about how she feels. And any inquiry would probably be met with anger anyway. I think that may be her way of keeping me from digging in deep and trying to touch her emotionally. She seems to be really afraid of that and usually that’s when she attacks. It’s hard to have a really honest heart to heart talk with my wife because she spends a lot of time protecting herself from hurt. I’m not even sure that I know what her deepest desires are. I don’t even know if she knows. She may not have allowed herself to acknowledge that she has deep desires. Or maybe she has become convinced that they’re not achievable anymore. Whatever the case, I want to be able to talk about these things with my wife.

I’m learning to follow my desires. Through some workshops at The Wright Institute, I am learning to make a One Decision and use that to guide me to success. My desire is to have a deep and meaningful relationship with my wife where we are able to talk about tough stuff and challenge each other to grow and succeed. My desire is to help people to feel better about themselves. I want people to know what potential is inside them. And that they shouldn’t let fear stop them pursuing their dreams; to trust in whatever power they believe in to guide them and help them to be a success. I really want to make a difference in people’s lives.

This is all an adventure!

Being away from my family is both a curse and a blessing. It’s a curse because I miss them terribly. I don’t get to look at their faces every morning. I don’t get to wake up next to my wife every morning or lay next to her every night. On the other hand, it’s a joy that I’m not sure I was able to appreciate until now. It’s a blessing because I am able to see things much more clearly being away from them. I am also able to cherish the time I get to spend with them more. Every moment is precious and I don’t spend that time looking for things to criticize, but just enjoying our time together. It’s how we really should spend time with people in general, but especially family. I am also blessed with such insight into me and my family. Being away from them, I notice things about them that I’m not sure I noticed while I was living with them. I can see how the way I was interacting with them before was not the best that I could be and affected the way they interacted with me. I’m beginning to see them in a different light. I understand them a lot better maybe because I have to pay attention. There’s no time to blow them off or engage in “less than” interactions. I must be fully present and engaged. I don’t have 24/7 with them right now.

All of this is scary and it might even be scary to them. My son seems to be more open to it than my wife. I know that whenever I tend to really SEE my wife, she gets a little defensive. I want to be able to have honest, deep and meaningful interactions with her. I’m beginning to have more of that with my son and it’s scary and exhilarating and fulfilling. I’m engaging with him in a way that I was afraid to before. I’m connecting with him in a way that I never had before. I’m still scared, but I’m trying to appreciate the adventure in this. In fact, I’m looking at this whole process as an adventure. I’ve had to rearrange my entire life. And it’s an adventure. I’m in a new neighborhood, a new house, I see new people on the way to work and I’m trying to open myself up more to the world to take in all of this newness. I’m trying to connect and engage with strangers more. It’s very scary. Sometimes I get rejected, but it’s all part of the adventure. I’m trying to get back to living like a kid. I really shouldn’t care what people think just as long as I’m having fun. I know that I stopped having fun in my home. Everything was a drag. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. If I had been able to see that everything that was going on was part of the adventure of life, I might have reacted much differently to what was happening. If I had had that sense of play, I probably would have found a way to make my wife’s harsh words a game. She was trying to tell me something that she wanted, but couldn’t articulate it in a healthy, responsible way. How many times have we done this in our lives? Many! Understanding this, I could have played “What Is My Wife REALLY Trying To Say?” And engaged with her in a different way which might have led her to be able to state what she needed from me.

All of this is of course speculation, but I am open to experimenting with these ideas because it’s all part of the adventure!

Anger and Hurt

After being away from my wife for a couple of months, there are a lot of things I see more clearly. It’s crazy to me to not have been able to see these things while we were together. It’s so clear to me now. One of the things I am aware of is that there were a lot of things unsaid in our marriage. Needs weren’t asked for and hurts weren’t expressed. And these are things that can destroy a marriage from within. There were things that I should have said to my wife that I didn’t and there were things that my wife wanted, but didn’t ask for. Resentment built up until it finally exploded all over the place. I had a choice to say what I needed to say, but I let my wife’s inability to speak her truths, keep me from speaking mine. I was fearful and I withdrew. I stopped being my true self in the marriage. I hid away. I let things slide that I should never have let slide.

I know that I want a much deeper relationship with my wife and son. I want to be able to be myself with them. I want to speak the truth to both of them always and be present in each and every moment that we’re together. The only way to have a deep and meaningful relationship with someone is to be honest with them. That may mean that you have to hurt their feelings. You may need to say things that they don’t want to hear. That can be really hard, but people know when you’re not being honest with them. They may not be aware that they know, but on some level they know. And on some level they can’t trust you. This is the feeling I had with my wife. I don’t really trust her because she doesn’t know how to be honest with me. When I’m not meeting a need for her, she attacks me. When she is feeling afraid, she attacks me. If she feels vulnerable, she attacks. That’s not truthful. I recently learned that perhaps because I hold a lot of hurt in this relationship, she must hold the anger. So there is the possibility that she might (subconsciously) be trying to get me to hold more of the anger by pushing my buttons. I think my wife has a lot of hurt that she can’t express and maybe that’s why she tries to get me angry. Maybe she feels she can’t express it because I hold so much hurt. This also might be why she attacks my manhood. She doesn’t feel that a man should have hurt feelings and that he’s not much of a man if he does and if he expresses this. So she attacks my manhood to make me angry to prove to her that I’m a real man...It kind of makes sense to me. My wife isn’t a mean person and I know there is a reason for all of the anger towards me. This would make sense to me. So I must resolve the hurt in my life so that I can hold more anger to allow her to be able to express her hurt. I want that for her because I know she has a lot of hurt that she needs to let go of and I want her to truly be happy. Maybe I haven’t been allowing her to be able to let go. I don’t know if there’s any validity to what I’m saying, but it sounds good to me. I’m gonna work on it...

Why Can't We Be Friends

My best friend and I have been in many fights in our 35 year friendship, but we have remained together anyway. And I mean fights where I wanted to beat the shit out of him and visa versa, but there was never really a question as to whether or not we would remain friends. Why is this different in marriages? My wife is one of my best friends. We have some great conversations, the same views on a lot of topics, laugh at the same things; we have knowing looks that we give one another. We play a lot with each other. We’re friends. So why would there ever be a question as to whether or not we will stay together?

I’ve heard a lot of people say that they married their best friend only to get divorced somewhere down the road. Friendship takes work just like marriage takes work. There’s give and take in a friendship just like in a marriage. Many best friends whether it be same sex friends or opposite sex friends act like married couples. In a lot of ways it is. This is someone you love spending time with, who you’d do anything for, listen to their problems, give advice, love their kids. For all intents and purposes, it is a marriage. You have to schedule time with them, attend their events, and sometimes, if you have the right friends, be brutally honest with them when they ask advice (or even if they don’t). Shouldn’t as much care and honesty be put into your marriage?

When you find someone that is your lover as well as your best friend, you have it all. You have someone that you can have a great time with doing nothing. But you also have someone that you can lean on when you need to; someone who’s got your back. There’s nothing wrong with needing someone. There’s no shame or weakness in saying to someone that you need them. I realize now that that’s what my wife needed, but she didn’t know how to tell me. Now, if I had been a little more conscious in the marriage, I might have picked up on this, although it’s very hard to pick up on things when they are shouted at you in the form of criticism and put downs. Maybe of she treated me more like a friend, she might have found a way to just tell me.

Maybe we should be treating our marriages like friendships and devote as much effort as we do our friendships. I know that in my own marriage there was a lot of effort being put into conflict; not resolving it, but perpetuating it. I always felt like I couldn’t be open and honest with my wife. When I would tell her that I needed her to be more understanding, she took it as a put down. She thought I was saying that the way she loved me wasn’t good enough. She loved me just fine, but she fought with me like a street thug! There was never any mercy. There was never an opportunity to get on the same level and just see one another. I believe that if you can really SEE the person you’re arguing with as a friend, it’s harder to turn a deaf ear and harder to say hurtful words. It’s like what they say about serial killers: If they can see their victims as human beings, it’s harder for killers to harm them. If we always see our partners as friends, maybe we’d be a little less vicious in our arguments. Maybe we’d listen a little bit better. And maybe we could resolve our conflicts in a much more peaceful manner and possibly save some marriages. Just a thought…

Stop Playing The Blame Game

When a marriage breaks up, I wonder if the husband and wife accept their role in the break up. It takes two people in a marriage whether it works or it fails. It can’t be both of their successes when it works and only one person’s fault when it doesn’t work. There are always two sides to the situation. Marriage takes work no matter how much we want it to be really easy and to just exist together peacefully. If I were asked whether or not I put in 100% effort into my marriage I would have to say no. If I were asked that question before my wife and I separated, I would have told you of course I did. I really thought I was working as hard as I could in my marriage. I was working hard, but I was working hard at trying to stay afloat. I felt like I was drowning and I couldn’t grab a hold of the life preserver. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get my head above water. But just like drowning, the more you flail, the more you sink. And I was flailing like a maniac!

I think that there was so much more I could have done. It’s not about the other person and what they would have done and the if onlys. If only she would have this or if only she would have that then we’d have a great marriage. I am in love with my wife, very much in love with her. We are like kids when we’re together. We play little games. We hold hands. We are in love. So to me all of this makes no sense, but then again it does. I thought that putting the time into my marriage was enough, that making sure that my wife felt like she was beautiful and that she was the only woman in the world for me was enough. It wasn’t. There was a lot more that I could have done. It’s hard for me to pinpoint specific things I could have done, but I know that I didn’t give it my all because I was too busy trying to save myself. My marriage means everything to me and I should have done a lot more to hold it together. I’m not saying that my wife doesn’t share responsibility with me, but maybe if she would have felt that I was working as hard as I could, that she would have done the same.

Struggling but staying in faith...

Every day I struggle with the what if’s. What if I hadn’t grabbed her? What if I had removed myself from the situation before this fight like I had been thinking about doing? What if I had tried harder to connect with my son? It drives me crazy to think about these scenarios and the what if’s. I can’t change the things that I’ve done. But God in His wisdom will make everything work out the way it’s supposed to. In a way, I’m kind of glad it happened the way it did only because it was a shock to my sensibilities. If I had left on my own, I might have spent that time in victimhood and playing the blame game. God always seems to put me in the right place at the right time. Being away from my family allows me to grow in a way that I don’t think I could being around them. I’m able to focus on myself and my strengths and weaknesses and I’ll be able to come back to the family as a much stronger person. I do believe that I will be back with my family because I don’t believe that God put us together just for this brief period of time. I know in my heart that we will one day reconcile. I know it so certainly that I am not even anxious about it at all. Normally, I’d be worried all the time about it. When? When? WHEN? But having this faith makes me a lot more calm and able to let go and let God. This is very new for me to have this type of faith. I’ve never before felt the strength to be able to believe in my heart’s desire no matter is happening around me. It is strange and new. I’m used to constantly worrying and being angry that my prayers aren’t being answered when I want them answered. And constantly asking why. It’s not easy but I feel powerful to be able to know that God has my back.

I’ve been able to talk to people who have held me accountable and won’t let me play the victim. I am completely responsible for my life. I am responsible for how people treat me. So if I didn’t get any respect, it was because I had in some way taught them that it was OK not to treat me with respect. I feel so powerful just saying that!! I know that I have it in my power to command respect. I’m still learning how to take care of myself. I’m learning to speak up when I don’t like the way I’m being treated. I’m learning to ask to be treated the way I would like to be treated. I don’t have to be angry to do it. It’s a simple request. It feels good to be in control.

My Story

About 2 months ago, my wife and I had a very big argument. It was so big that she forced me to move out of the house. I was so pissed at her. I wanted her to pay for destroying the beautiful relationship that we had. I kept saying that if she could only see what she did; if she could only admit what she had done. I spent many nights just being angry. Along about the same time, I was reintroduced to a way if living that causes you to expect more from yourself, challenge yourself, live fearlessly, completely open and expressive and totally engaged with the world. It came along at the right time. I had forgotten what it was like to feel fear and do things anyway. I had checked out of the marriage without realizing it. I had checked out of being a father out of fear of fucking up and rejection. I couldn’t see any of this until I could put some distance between me and my family. And now that I can see what I was doing to my family, I am ready to start down this long road to becoming the man I want to be.

How It All Started

I met my wife when we were both working at Bank of America. One of my friends thought that we would make a good couple, but I didn’t see it. But we had a first date anyway...on television. Our first date was on The Learning Channel’s A Dating Story. It wasn’t a love connection, but a friend connection. We hung out on occasion and I thought that maybe we could try and make something more of it, but she wasn’t interested. No big deal to me. I moved on and so did she. We hooked up every now and then over the next couple of years. And then through a series of moves, I lost track of her. So I thought I’d never see her again.

Then one day out of the blue, she called me. It had been about 2 years since I had talked to her, but she somehow remembered my number. A coincidence? I think not. I happened to be doing a show at the time and I invited her to come. She came to see the show and we went out afterwards. We had a great time. While we were together, God spoke to me. It had to be God because it was an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was the one. I was shocked! It came from nowhere and was the furthest thing from my mind, but it was a powerful voice and I knew in that instant what I had to do. I had to make her mine. She was still resistant to being with me until one day we went out to dinner and she told me that she couldn’t stop thinking about me. It was then that I knew I had her. We had a very short courtship because I had an overwhelming feeling that told me that she was not girlfriend material, but wife material. And I had to agree. It just didn’t feel right to call her my girlfriend. It felt right to call her my wife. So after 3 months, I asked her to marry me. She said yes. And on Christmas Eve 2005, three months after I proposed we got married. It felt right and it has always felt right. I was definitely receiving very powerful spiritual guidance.

My Struggle

My wife has a son and it looked like we were all going to get along really well. Then we didn’t. I felt totally disrespected as a parent not only by my stepson, but by my wife, my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law. I felt that no one saw me as a parent and it made me feel really insecure. And we all know what happens to insecure people who are supposed to have authority, but don’t feel like they do…they beat suspects with their batons. I wasn’t beating up anyone, but I knew that I couldn’t get a solid foothold in my family. I was drowning and no matter how much I tried to grab onto something to save me, I just kept going under. And it’s a scary place to be. And it had a ripple affect. My wife didn’t feel supported because I wasn’t supporting our son. The problem was that I couldn’t see it and my wife couldn’t communicate it to me in a healthy way. It was communicated to me as putdowns, and name calling. So of course, I was defensive. After years of enduring this verbal abuse, the argument came to a head and I grabbed my wife to try and make her listen to what she was saying to me. Of course, that’s not the way to handle it and that’s not the way I want to be. She had me removed from the house and it was a very humbling experience. My marriage was over. I had to move in with a friend until I could find a place to live. I was separated physically from my family after having been separated from them mentally.

The Realization

Seven years beforehand, I attended a weekend at the The Wright Institute. I began to think about life differently and began to fill my life with more fulfilling things. I knew that that was the key to more success, more love, more money, more time, more of everything. And it had been working. In fact, that’s when my wife came back into my life. To me it was just another sign that the time was right. So after we separated, I was reintroduced to the institute and these principles and it was like a slap in the face. I hadn’t been fully engaged. I hadn’t been fully open and present in each and every moment. I hadn’t been living in truth. I hadn’t been facing my fears. I had checked out and was playing it safe. And when it hit me, I knew that there was some emotional business I needed to clean up. I had an honest conversation with my mother-in-law which led to an honest conversation with my wife and stepson. I finally got it. I got what my wife was trying to say to me and I got that I wasn’t there the way I needed to be for my son or for her. It was an even more humbling experience than getting kicked out of my house. I had to stand in front of my son and my wife and tell them that I was a fuck up. I told them that things would be different because now I was going to force myself to be there even though I was still scared. And that my wife would feel like she wasn’t doing everything by herself. I have to be committed to my family in more than word. I have to show them that I am the man that I know I can be.